I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
A bitchslap is in order.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
