my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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