my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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