hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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