So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
