Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
