I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
