You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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