Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
