if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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