Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
