Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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