I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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