recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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