That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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