My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
