I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
