I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
