he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
