I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
