I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
