I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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