I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
