Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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