if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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