Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Semen is not good for contacts.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
