birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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