sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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