so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
