dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
