the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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