T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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