I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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