you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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