Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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