i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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