So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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