Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
