There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
