Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm both gender and math confused
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