I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
