honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
