Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize