I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm like, not good at living.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
