I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
