so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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