I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
