: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have demons in me.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
