It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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