everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
