Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
