come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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