Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
