That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
