Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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