dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
