She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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